my boys playing with their cousins during a trip to Chicago
Note: This column was printed the Barrow Journal on Wednesday, September 19, 2012.
The biggest criticism against homeschooling is what many people feel is its “lack of socialization.” Critics believe children ought to spend their whole day in a classroom of peers, and they give no thought to the opportunities homeschooled children have to meet many people of various ages. Perhaps they are afraid homeschooling parents won’t take advantage of these opportunities. This, of course, is possible, though most homeschooling families I’ve met make “socialization” a priority.
Some homeschoolers don’t give socialization much thought because they don’t need to. They have plenty of friends, or they may belong to a homeschooling co-op or a large church. They might have a big family too. More seasoned homeschoolers who are past the stage I’m in – that of meeting and creating a community for their youngsters – feel this is not a topic worth discussing anymore.
I’ve been giving this issue a lot of thought, though, mostly because my eldest son’s personality didn’t make meeting other kids easy at first. And he’s a lot like me –introverted – so perhaps it’s because of my personality too.
When my son was younger, he was reserved and cautious, and he didn’t jump into playtime with large groups of kids. Going to park days or joining a homeschool group never worked for us. The other kids would play together, and my son – the little biologist – would explore the wood chips or other natural environment.
While I, too, think socializing with people of various ages is a plus for children, I had to find friends that played well with my child. Finally, in this past year, I’ve met some families with kids who love my kids – How did I do this? I kept my eyes focused on local homeschooling e-mail lists, and I responded to those infrequent requests from other homeschoolers looking for friends. I also let it be known online that we’re looking for friends, and I’ve had some people contact me. It’s not easy finding people within driving distance, but now we have regular playdates, and I couldn’t be happier.
My second priority was thinking outside the box and considering different ways my children could be socialized. I’m still doing this, but these are some ideas I’ve pursued.
- Community Classes – My son blossomed after a year attending the knee-high naturalist class and homeschool science classes at the Sandy Creek Nature Center. He seems to enjoy following the lead of the teacher without the pressure of having to “play” with all the other children. Now he’s more at ease with large groups of kids, and he even enjoyed attending some summer mini-camps there by himself.
- Lost but not forgotten friends – After these last grueling few years of rearing infants and toddlers, I’m coming up for breath and remembering all the friends I had before my marriage. Many of them are older than me and without children of their own. I called one couple and took my boys to visit them. My son fell right in step with the wife, who is a gardener. Now we’re committing ourselves to monthly visits, and my friend has been teaching my boy about gardening and plants!
- Family – I don’t think anyone should discount family when it comes to socializing children. Indeed, these are relationships that will last the longest. I’m grateful that our family is large and diverse, and my boys will be exposed to different cultures and belief systems within it. Unfortunately, I also feel disconnected from some of my family. Busy lives and distance can do that to you. But I’m hoping that somehow we’ll stay connected through Skype and e-mail and occasional visits.
For homeschoolers who need other ideas on how to build a community or who live in remote areas, I would suggest the following:
- Be sure to join local, state, and even national homeschooling e-mail lists (do a search for Yahoo groups in your area). In the subject line of your introduction e-mail, put your county or town and state and ask if anyone knows of other homeschoolers or groups in your area.
- Check Facebook for groups in your area.
- Contact your local library and see if there’s a homeschool group using the facilities. If not, try asking the librarians to help you get the word out that you’re homeschooling, and you’d like to start a group of your own.
- Is there a community center in your area? Nature center? Art center? Check to see if they offer any classes for children, and if they don’t, see if you can help them start one.
- If it’s hard to find homeschoolers in your area, become friends with school children. You’ll have to work around their school schedule, but it’s better than not having any friends at all. (I know this can be hard though – kids who go to school and especially kids who have both parents working just don’t need the same kind of community. Their weekends may be family time. Still, it’s worth a try.)
- If religion plays a part in your homeschool, check local churches for homeschooling groups. Even if religion doesn’t play a part of your homeschool, ask if you would be welcomed into their group. (And see my previous column about homeschooling and religion.)
Whether children are homeschooled or not, parents must think about building a community of support for their children as they grow up. Parents can’t do it all, and every child eventually turns to other people for role models. Parents need to make sure that they trust the people whom their children turn to. Homeschooling parents have the opportunity to be more involved in cultivating their child’s social outlets.
My lists certainly aren’t exhaustive. What would you suggest to new homeschoolers seeking to build a community? Thank you!
Mama of Letters 
One of the main reasons my husband doesn’t like the idea of homeschooling is because he “doesn’t want our kids to be weird.” When he and I were growing up, the homeschooled kids were from very conservative, religious families who kept their kids in a bubble. The kids didn’t fit in at all. Though we are far from that type of family, I don’t want my kids to be misfits either. However, there are a lot of kids from the playground who, frankly, I’m glad that my girls aren’t around all the time. Do I want them to fit in? Or do I want them to have good behavior, treat other kids well, and follow the beat of their own drum? There’s got to be a balance between the two, right?
Part of me is a little sad that we’ve moved out of the US during these young years because there isn’t as much available in the way of community/group classes – especially in English – besides what is offered on-base. I’m not giving up though!
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Hi Kim – You know, I think sometimes misfits raise misfits! And I knew a lot of misfits who attended public high school with me. I have considered that same question, however, especially because I’ve met homeschoolers who I thought were too sheltered. But I realized I’m not that kind of parent, and on the other hand, being a “misfit” isn’t always bad. You could have called me a misfit when I was younger. I was very introverted, and I wasn’t popular at all. In fact, I think parents who think of well-socialized school kids are thinking of the ones who are doing really well in school and who have plenty of friends (whether they are popular or not). They may not pay attention to the ones who aren’t doing well because those kids are staying in the shadows.
I’m sure if you were to plunk a homeschooled kid into public school during the middle of his school career – say middle school – he might have a hard time, depending on his personality and the kids he happens to meet in school. Some kids can be very cruel, and a homeschooler may have never dealt with people like that. But a parent who talks openly with her child and is very intuitive about what her child can and can’t deal with will probably not put him in a situation like that. And that same child might handle difficult situations beautifully with a few more years of maturity. I don’t know if I’m making any sense, but I don’t think homeschoolers are “weird” just because they are homeschooled. Kids are individuals, and they all have different needs whether they go to school or not.
In addition, I have never faced the same kind of intense, cliquish, and unsavory social life as I did in public school! Once I entered college, I realize there were people like me with similar interests and personalities. What a relief that was. I just want my kids to realize that they can find places to belong way before college.
You know, I think the language barrier is harder for adults than it is for young children….maybe you could find a play group with the Japanese kids or start one!
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You can always sign your kids up for just regular recreational classes/sports in the area. Dance classes at your local dance studio. Swim lessons at your local aqua center or community center. Karate, gymnastics, and tennis. We have special gyms in the area that offer gymnastics, and the local racket club offers tennis lessons. Some country clubs offer golf lessons to non-members. You can sign you kids up for little league. Some places offer special classes during the day that are geared toward homeschoolers. Otherwise, your kids will be in classes/sports with the kids in the area who are attending traditional schools. It’s a good way for your kids to be socialized. And of course, most park districts (or recreational centers) in the area offer various classes and sports for a decent price. Libraries are also a great place to take kids. They have storytimes for various age groups, summer reading programs, craft days, and special events. My daughter is almost two and doesn’t go to daycare, so I take her to storytime at local libraries and we attend a dance class together. It’s a good way for her to be able to socialize with other kids her age. She is also around her cousin a few times a week who is a year and a half older than her. Another place to look into is local zoos and children’s museums. They sometimes offer programs for kids, and some are geared toward homeschoolers. It’s actually fairly easy to keep kids socialized, even when they aren’t attending traditional schools. The hardest part is probably finding other kids that your kids get along with and feel comfortable around. That can sometimes be the challenge. Great post!
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Thank you for your great comment! You’ve given some great examples on where to take kids for socializing!
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I see the boys out playing and they sure seem like very happy boys. Hope school is going well. You are a winner in my book. I don’t think I could ever take on the challenge. Good luck. I know the boys have a great teacher.
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I assume this is my sweet neighbor…….Thank you! Come on over and join in on the play anytime!
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As a home school graduate, I’m always surprised when people tell me that public school is important for socialization. When I bring up the fact that I was home schooled, people always get really uncomfortable and say something like “well, you’re an exception. All other home schoolers are weird.”
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Thank you so much for adding this comment, Beth! It’s a good testament to how unfounded the myth is that children need to be in public school in order to be socialized properly.
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