Archive for ‘Motherhood’

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May 3, 2012

Will T.V. Hurt My Kids? Part 2 of 3

When my two-year-old took naps, he watched considerably less T.V., but now he watches along with his brother in the afternoons and evenings.

Note:  This is a follow-up to my previous post about the research I found on T.V. viewing and young children.

When I was a child, I had several favorite shows I liked to watch, and I always watched Saturday morning cartoons.  I also had a little black and white T.V. in my bedroom that I could watch whenever I wanted, and I ate my dinner while watching T.V. by myself.  I can’t remember exactly how much time I spent in front of the T.V., but I don’t think my mom ever worried about it, and I don’t think she restricted it.  I also loved to play make-believe with my stuffed animals, and I went in the backyard to play alone in the snow too.

When I grew up, I became a well-rounded adult who could live with or without T.V.  After leaving my parent’s house, I rarely watched T.V.  When I lived in Japan for a year, I didn’t own a T.V.  Just before I met and married my husband, I lived alone and kept my T.V. in the closet.  I used it to watch movies on the weekends that I rented from the local video store.  I do like watching T.V., but only quality T.V. and entertaining movies.  When I moved in with my hubby, he got me hooked on watching some of my favorites like Lost and Battlestar Gallactica. (Don’t tell me how they end!) For me, television is a way to relax and also learn in a visual way.  As a visual learner, I love documentaries and travel shows.

I think there are many children in today’s society who are watching too much T.V., and they are watching inappropriate programming for their age.  This is probably why the The American Academy of Pediatrics felt they had to make recommendations, and it may also be why we’re hearing about Nature Deficit Disorder.  But if you’re a parent and you’re reading this, then I bet you’re a homeschooling parent or at least a parent who takes time to think about your child’s education, well-being and future.  I doubt you’re letting your T.V. babysit your children all day long.

So let me repeat the final sentence from my last post: “I believe that when parents balance age-appropriate, commercial-free T.V. viewing with other, healthy activities, television can’t hurt kids.  And it may be good for them if they watch educational, prosocial shows.”  

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying you should let your kids watch more T.V.  If you have a schedule that keeps the T.V. out of your children’s day then by all means, keep it up.  If I could, I would prefer my boys watch less T.V., but I’ve found that without letting them watch T.V., I don’t get the time I need to:

  • rejuvenate
  • write my newspaper column
  • get some chores done
  • rest
  • get my ducks in a row
  • in other words, rejuvenate, rejuvenate, rejuvenate.

I am an introvert and so is my husband.  Maybe we’re even extreme introverts.  Right now I’m reading Introvert Power by Laurie Helgoe, PhD, and it’s fascinating.  Someday I’ll write about it, but for now I’ll say that while reading this book, I’ve learned to not feel guilty about spending time at my computer, writing, and reading whenever I get a chance.  I never thought it was wrong to do those things, but with kids, the only time I get to myself is while they’re sleeping or watching T.V.  We can’t afford babysitters, and I have no outside help (except when my husband is off work or my mother-in-law is visiting once a year.)  I get secretly irritated when well-meaning people tell me I deserve to take a day off on a regular basis.  I want to say, “Are you going to come to babysit for me?”  I can’t expect my husband to spend all his free time with the boys – he needs to rejuvenate too.  There are simply no other options.

More importantly, by giving up guilt and worry over how much T.V. they are watching, I have found that I stay centered and cheerful (most of the time) while I’m with them.  I have more energy overall, so I can do more fun projects.  I can be fully with my children instead of being tired and wishing I had a little time for myself.

Usually in the afternoons around 2 or 3 o’clock I have a sinking spell.  When I was young and single and working full-time, my productivity went down around this time.  I will never understand our culture of having to work 9-5.  Those countries who do “siesta” have it figured out!  If I have to, I can keep going and force myself to work, but I become drained and uncreative.  Giving myself a break gives me the fuel to keep going the rest of the day.

So this is how I do T.V. time in our house:

  • My kids get to watch T.V. at certain times only.  They have come to expect to have their “T.V. breaks,” and I consider it their “quiet, resting time.” By having a set schedule and letting them each pick one show, I don’t get many arguments about watching more T.V.  If they do argue with me, I remind them that this is how we always do it. If I want to give them extra T.V. for a special occasion, I make it clear that it’s a special occasion, and they understand that.
  • They usually watch two, ~20 minute educational kids’ shows that we can watch via Apple TV/Netflix every afternoon around 2-3pm.  In the summer this is a particularly good time because they have usually been playing outside, and they need to come inside to cool down and rest.  It’s just too hot here to play outside all day.
  • Sometimes I let them watch one 20 minute show and one 50 minute show if I need more time.
  • In the evenings after bath time, they watch two ~20 minute, educational shows.  This is when I take my shower and get ready for bed.  After that, we go upstairs to play for about 20 minutes, then read a book or tell a story and go to sleep.
  • Extra perk:  This schedule has allowed me to have fairly well-behaved children.  Nothing works better in this house than saying, “No shows tonight…” to get these boys to cooperate with anything I need them to do.

And, surprise, this is not the only T.V. they watch.  They also watch T.V. with me and my husband at lunch and dinner.  I know some people feel watching T.V. during meals is the sin of parenthood.  I resisted for years, and it’s only been recently that I finally gave in to watching during dinner.  I grew up eating dinner by myself in front of the T.V. with a T.V. tray (remember those?) because my siblings were 10 years older than me and doing their own thing, and my father was usually away at work.  More than anything I have wanted to have my own family sit around a table and have a conversation about their day, but it just hasn’t worked out that way.  So why I am committing this sin of all sins?!

  • As my husband reminds me, he’s usually working at home, so we’ve been talking with each other and the kids off and on all day.  By dinnertime, we’ve seen up close what we’ve done all day.
  • We converse quite a bit about what we’re watching, and it can stimulate interesting, educational conversations.  We’re also stopping and starting the show several times during mealtime in order to get more food or someone has to use the bathroom.  Sometimes it can take an 45 minutes to watch a 25 minute show!
  • At dinner we usually watch a documentary.  (I think this is how my husband lured me to the T.V. during dinner.)  There are hundreds of wonderful documentaries and nature programs on Netflix, and we’re slowly going through them all.  We talk about them, and I bring out the globe to show my son where the show is taking us.  My husband and I both feel this is very educational for our children, and since we stay busy at other times of the day, dinner has just been an easier time to enjoy this type of programming.
  • I should note that we usually only watch about half of a program at dinner and save the rest for the next day.  They usually run from 50-60 minutes.

In preparation for writing this blog post, I thought I would keep track of my kid’s T.V. viewing during a two-week period.  Some days we watch much more and other days they watch very little because we fill our time with other projects and outings.  The weather has a lot to do with it too.  (Now we’re watching less because of the beautiful weather!)  So here I am, laying it all out for you.  I took these numbers back in early March:

March 5 – 3 hours; March 6 – 1.25 hours; March 7 – 3.5 hours; March 8 – 2 hours; March 9 – 3.25 hours; March 10 – 1.5 hours; March 11 – 2.5 hours; March 12 – 3.25 hours; March 13 – 2 hours; March 14 – 2.5 hours; March 15 – 2 hours; March 16 – 3 hours; March 17 – 1.5 hours; March 18 – 1 hour

This averages out to 2.30 hours of TV viewing per day, which is in line with the recommendations by The American Academy of Pediatrics.  As you can see, there are days that the boys watch more, but there’s also days they watch much less.  Considering the quality of the programming they are watching, I’m not worried about an extra hour here and there.

The reason I am homeschooling is so that my children can have more time to play, be creative, spend time outdoors, and not have their sleep interrupted by an early morning school bell.  I consider T.V. their time to relax and a time to expose them to places and ideas that I can’t do easily any other way.  Furthermore, they are awake approximately 13 hours per day.  We are spending a good 10~11 hours per day away from the television.

If you’d like to read more on this subject, Camp Creek Blog (my mentor in project-based homeschooling) wrote a series about screen time that was right in line with my thoughts on the subject:  “Why I don’t Worry About My Kids Screen Time, Part 1″ and “Part 2,” and a related follow-up, “Trusting the Process – Trusting the Child.”

In Part 3, I’m going to list of all the shows my boys watch and what we’ve watched with them.

Posted in Homeschooling, Motherhood | 15 Comments »

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April 17, 2012

I Ain’t Perfect: Confessions of a Homeschooling Mom

I’ve been blogging for several years now.  I started when my eldest son was one-year-old, and the first “Mama of Letters” blog had nothing to do with homeschooling.  Back then I had more time for reading other blogs too.  I think “mommy blogging” is one of the reasons daytime soap operas have plummeted, don’t you?

While I don’t want to be placed in the same boat as a stay-at-home mom who watches soap operas all day, I don’t mind being considered a “mommy blogger.”  Whatever negative connotations it may carry, I think stay-at-home-moms are finding ways to be creative, make a little money and rear their children in a loving, stimulating environment.  I think moms have always done this, but the Internet has given us an outlet to share it.

Unfortunately, sharing on the Internet comes with limits.  Just like when we meet new people for the first time, we put our best face forward.  On the Internet, we do that all the time, and in fact, we need to in order to protect our privacy.

I find that when I read blogs too much, I start to second-guess myself.  Other moms seem to have it all together.  Their houses are beautiful, and they’re cooking healthy meals every night.  If they homeschool, they’re doing so many cool things that I can’t imagine keeping up!

However, having kept a blog for so long, I’ve realized that 1) in the right light, even messy houses can look pretty, and 2) when you write down what you’re doing, it sounds like a lot more than what it might feel like in reality! (This is why I advocate keeping a homeschool portfolio.)

For these reasons, I wanted to write a post and let everyone know I ain’t perfect.  Don’t ever read my blog and think, “How does she do all that?”  “Maybe I should do that too.”  Or any other second-guessing.  Every parent needs to find what works for her family and child. 

You also should remember that family dynamics play a big part in what will work for you.  Personalities and priorities are different.  We can’t always choose to do exactly what we want.  We have our spouse’s desires to consider, and our children have unique needs and desires too.  To be part of a family is to compromise.

So I’m writing this post in hopes that it might help someone.  Perhaps you’re more organized or your priorities differ from mine.  That’s okay.  We’re all different, but we have one thing in common: none of us can do it all.

So here’s just a few things that I do and don’t do.  As you read my blog, you can keep these things in mind:

  1. I love to organize and mostly on paper.  As a writer, my best creative mind works with words and on paper.  Organizing my thoughts on homeschool is easy and fun, but organizing my kitchen isn’t.
  2. I’m still on a 10-year mission to declutter my house.  My house is cluttered.  If I had plenty of time, I would be able to sort through and organize it because I’m a fairly organized person, but it’s not a huge priority of mine.  So things like this take 10+ years to achieve.  I whack away at it a little at a time.
  3. My house isn’t super clean, but it’s livable.  I have two boys, a husband, two dogs, a (white) cat, and a fish tank.  (My husband cleans the fish tank every week, thankfully.)  We also have a big yard with lots of dirt.  Put these things together, and you might figure out that within one day of mopping my floors, I am once again walking on gritty floors.  That’s just life here.
  4. We don’t have a lot of closet space.  See #2.
  5. I don’t cook.  Okay, seriously, I do cook a little.  I cook a decent, homemade meal about once every week or two, and I try to eat leftovers for a while.  Other times I prepare a lot of salads, and we eat a lot of fruit, and I make ample use of frozen food, especially the healthier brands.  We also use pre-made meals from the grocery store or my favorite place, Trader Joe’s.  My husband fends for himself often.  He has allergies, I’m a vegetarian, and my kids are ultra picky, so we usually eat different meals.  Therefore, you will never see any cooking recipes on my blog or get advice on how to feed children from me.  I partly blame my kid’s picky eating on my lame cooking.  I’m trying to get better at this, and my five-year-old loves to cook with me, so that’s very motivating for me.
  6. My husband and I are both introverts, and we’re both writers.  I get my energy from sitting quietly at my computer, writing, reading, taking walks in nature and creating images.  I would rather do this than keep my calendar full of social calls or whipping up masterpieces in the kitchen.  Some people can’t stand this.  That’s okay.
  7. Sometimes I yell.  Thankfully I don’t do this often, but there have been plenty of times when I’ve gotten exhausted and broke down at the slightest mishap.  Or maybe I don’t yell, but I’m just grumpy all day.  Most of the time I love being with my kids, but I wouldn’t be human if it was easy all the time.  I’m not supermom, but frankly I don’t think that kids need perfect parents.
  8. Once in a while, I want to quit.  I want to quit writing my column, my blog and all my other personal projects.  I wonder if I’m getting ahead of myself in regards to homeschooling. Luckily these feelings don’t happen often, but if I get too busy, unorganized, or don’t take time for myself, it happens.
  9. While I don’t want to quit being a mom, sometimes I wish I could take a two-week vacation from it.
  10. I let my kids watch a good amount of T.V.  And soon I’ll follow-up with a post about that, but suffice it to say that I wouldn’t be as good of a mother as I am without the T.V.
  11. Finally, there are things I won’t write in my column or on my blog because I’m respecting the privacy of my children and my family.  I also made the decision to keep it fairly upbeat because I don’t think it’s wise to complain or be too negative online.  (Within limits, it’s okay, of course.  Otherwise, we might not seem authentic.)

So there are my confessions.  It makes me a little nervous sharing them with you, but I think it’s important for everyone to take what they read on the Internet with a grain of salt.  And since children don’t come with an instruction manual, it’s important that we use our hearts first when making a decision that impacts their lives.  Don’t let someone else’s rosy picture cloud yours.

Hmmm….Are there any confessions you wish to make?  ;)

Posted in Homeschooling, Motherhood | 8 Comments »

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March 22, 2012

Nurturing Creativity and A Free Give-Away

Notes: This column was printed in the Barrow Journal on March 21, 2012.  To read the details of this give-away, please scroll to the bottom of the page.  (UPDATE:  GIVE-AWAY IS NOW CLOSED.)

I was flattered recently when my favorite blogger, Renee Tougas, asked me to contribute a few words to her first mini e-book titled, “Nurturing Creativity: A Guide for Busy Moms.”  The book is “part philosophy and part practical – with ideas for how busy moms can make time for creativity in their lives.”

Whether mothers work, stay-at-home, homeschool or not, many of us find little time to nurture ourselves.  For those of us who are creative (who isn’t creative?), it’s very hard to find time for artistic pursuits or other hobbies.  This can be draining, and it doesn’t always make us happy mothers.

She asked me what my favorite creative activity was and how do I make time for it during this busy season of my life?

If you read my column every week (thank you!), you can probably guess that I love to write.  I have been writing in one form or another since I was ten years old.  That’s right, in the fourth grade, I said I wanted to be writer, and unfortunately, I never changed my mind.

I say unfortunately only because I never had the right guidance, discipline or foresight to know what to do with my passion.  I believe everyone should go after what they want to do, but you can’t be too picky about your options within that field, and you have to work your butt off to get anywhere.  I never worked my butt off until now, which means I don’t make much money with my chosen vocation.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not happy.  If you told me 20 years ago that I would find the creative life I was yearning for in being a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom, I would have been horrified.  But here I am – loving every minute of it.

And I learned a few years ago that neither failure nor having children could keep me from putting pen to paper.  Just when I gave up on writing, the Barrow Journal landed in my mailbox.  I let the idea of a column float around in my head for a few months, and now you know the rest. I don’t know if many people read my corner of the paper, but I appreciate the few people who have stopped me in some local store or sent an e-mail to tell me they like my column.

So no matter what, I’m going to write because it’s just something I do, and I have no idea why I feel the need to tell strangers my story, but I do.  It’s as essential to me as breathing.   I credit this column for keeping my sanity during these last few years.  Even when I want to throw in the towel, I know I can’t because if I didn’t have some kind of creative outlet, I might start to resent motherhood.  I dare not let that happen.

So when I do I get a chance to write?  Sometimes I write in the afternoon when my boys are watching T.V., but mostly I write at night after they go to bed.  I make sure I start early in the week because I never know what kind of interruptions I might get or how tired I might be on any given night.

But it can’t go without saying that in order to do this there’s also a lot I don’t do.  My house is not very clean, and (here my husband will stand up and nod vigorously) I rarely cook.  I do clean once a week to keep the house livable, and I make sure everyone eats, but my abilities in homemaking are lackluster.

I appreciate my husband’s support in my attempts to keep up with this column and my blog and all my other creative attempts.  Though he may grumble from time to time, I think he knows (because he is similar) that without being able to do something for myself and without being able to be creative, I wouldn’t be happy.  And you know what they say, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!”

AND HERE’S THE BEST PART:  Renee is offering one free e-book to one of my readers.  I had the pleasure of reading “Nurturing Creativity: A Guide for Busy Mothers,” and I assure you it’s worth the time to do so.  I found much inspiration and encouragement in her words.  In addition, Renee wrote with busy moms in mind – it’s short, under 50 pages.  So, you have no excuse not to read it.

To enter this give-away, all you need to do is leave a comment before midnight on Tuesday, March 27th, 2012 and tell me why you’d like a copy of this inspirational e-book.  That’s it.  Nothing else.  I will let my five-year-old draw one of your names from a hat on Wednesday, and I’ll contact the winner by e-mail that day.  I’ll also post your name on my blog unless you tell me not to.  You have nothing to lose and much creative inspiration to gain.

One More Note: The wonderful artwork on this page was created by Erika Hastings of Mud Spice: Mucking about in Art and Motherhood.

Posted in Motherhood, My Newspaper Columns | 21 Comments »

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February 5, 2012

Getting An Education Through My Kids

This is a column that I wrote for the Barrow Journal.  It was printed on January 11, 2012, and you can view the online version by clicking here. I think that getting an education through our kids is something that can happen for all parents, not just homeschoolers!  (Although if you’re a homeschooler, you will definitely be learning with your kids!)

One of the great things about having kids is that I’m learning all kinds of facts that I didn’t learn or retain in school.  I have read somewhere that most of the information we learn before seventh grade will be forgotten, and I think that was especially true for me.

I know I learned about the planets and solar system in school, but I couldn’t remember much about it when I started teaching it to my son.  Do you remember the order of the planets?

The closest to the sun is Mercury, and then there’s Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus (which is pronounced YOOR-ah-nuss), Neptune, and when I was a kid, Pluto came next, but it’s not considered a planet anymore.  It’s a “dwarf planet.”

Having children is a great opportunity to watch a lot of nature shows, and it’s been great fun to learn more about animals and the earth.  For example, I’ve learned that Australia has so many poisonous critters that I might think twice about traveling there.

I didn’t know that dolphins and porpoises are a kind of whale, or that snakes smell with their tongues.  There are also a gazillion animals that I didn’t know existed before I had children.  To name a very few: narwhal, tapir, sloth, puffer fish and the desert horned lizard that can squirt blood out of its eyes for defense.

Since my five-year-old is interested in the human body, I’ve learned what the tibia and fibula are as well as the radius and ulna.  I have also learned that an adult bladder can stretch to the size of a grapefruit when it’s full, and I doubt that information will ever serve me well in this life, but you never know.

I’ve also tried things I probably wouldn’t have tried on my own like planting pumpkins, sprouting pinto beans in a jar, and collecting seeds from flowers to grow the next spring.  We’ve been to the zoo, aquarium and the nature center so many times that we’ve been able to observe the animals at different times when they are awake and not sleeping!

Perhaps I would be learning more about our world even if I didn’t have kids.  Now that I’m older, wiser and don’t have to go to school, I like learning, but surely I would not have my imagination stretched like it is when my five-year-old lectures me about his latest made-up animal with a preposterous name and bad eating habits.

I would have never guessed that a long strand of wild onion could turn into an eel that eats ants.  I don’t think I would have realized that toy dinosaurs need to go outside to eat, and even after we come back inside they need to sit out by the grass and keep eating because they’re so hungry.

And what about the exercise I’m getting?  How much more fun is running when you get to pretend you’re a horse or an eagle?

I have always said that learning is a lifelong endeavor, and I hope to pass that sentiment on to my children.  I’ll also be able to tell them stories about how they broadened my horizons and put a silver lining around my diploma.

Posted in Motherhood, My Newspaper Columns | 5 Comments »

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January 28, 2012

Homeschool Priorities Part 5: Spend Quality, Stress-free Time Together

a photo from last year - a day spent together

My fifth homeschool priority for my children (at any age) is to spend quality, stress-free time together.  For the purpose of this blog post, I’m mostly referring to the time I spend with my boys during the week while daddy is at work.  Making time for the whole family is another priority, but it’s not hard to manage that, so for now I’ll simply refer to our daily routine.

This is an ongoing goal, and with the ebb and flow of life, it doesn’t always happen.  I try to pace our schedule so that we have plenty of time at home to play, but inevitably there will be weeks when it seems like we’re going somewhere everyday!  It’s very easy to do this.  Consider:

  • at least one play date
  • at least one necessary shopping trip/other errand
  • the 5-year-old’s classes
  • a day out with daddy
  • church
  • not to mention: visits to grandpa’s house, the occasional doctor’s appointment, more errands that need doing, & library visits, which don’t happen enough.
  • You get the picture! I could easily fill our days with places to go.

In addition, with young children, I cannot leave the house more than once a day.  Did I mention we live 20~30 minutes from the nearest grocery store?  Yeah.  That doesn’t help either.  The two-year-old still needs a nap in the afternoon.  And sometimes I do too!

Weekly Schedules~

Life can be hectic sometimes, but when it does, I simply stop planning things to do and take time off.  I’m a homebody at heart, so it’s in my blood to hang out at home.  I don’t need to be on the go all the time, but I do need a balance between being social and having time at home.

I’ve also learned what works for us and what doesn’t.  My eldest son seems more comfortable with one friend his age instead of in a large group.  I used to worry about trying to get involved in some kind of regular homeschooling group, but now I don’t.  Right now, we don’t need that.  I admit that I feel I lose out on connections that way.  I would like to have a wider circle of mama friends to talk to regularly, and I’ve met some really cool women that I’d like to get to know better, but in the end, I know I have to do what’s best for my boys.

We’ve met some boys his age, and I try to schedule a play date with one of them at least every other week, if not every week. This doesn’t always happen because kids get sick and unexpected things pop up, but that’s my goal anyway.

Quality Time~

When we are home, I try to be mindful about spending quality time with the boys.  I have a lot to do around the house, and I have personal goals (like this blog) to keep me distracted, but I’ve put in place a daily schedule that makes it easier for me to know that I have spent quality time throughout the day with the boys.  I may write more about our specific daily and weekly routines in the future, but for now I’ll just say:

In the morning after breakfast, we have together time, which begins with book time.  We each pick one book to read, and sometimes we read more, if we feel like it..   (Since the boys tend to pick the same books over and over this is the best method I have found to make them happy while also making sure they get to read a variety of books.  Not to mention keep my brain from atrophying!)

After book time, we usually do puppet shows, but I don’t push it.  The past few mornings my eldest son has been wanting to build things with popsicle sticks, and this morning we painted our creations!  So as you can see, if the boys are playing well together or occupied in another productive activity, I go with the flow.

And that’s another way I try to create stress-free, quality time….I go with the flow.  Usually it’s best if I just toss my agenda out the window.  Now that my five-year-old is getting older and more imaginative, he is full of ideas, and many of them are excellent, productive ideas!  How can I stop that?

On the flip side, there are days that seem aimless, and if the boys want me to play play play with toys and games that never seem to end, I can feel my patience and enthusiasm waning.  I’m not saying that their play is bad.  No, it’s great.  It’s just not always what this 40-year-old mama wants to be doing.  So if I can kind of steer their day, it helps me stay enthusiastic, gives us plenty of time together which in turns gives me a chance to say, “Now you guys go upstairs and play by yourselves for a little while.”  If I have put in my quality time, I don’t feel guilty about making them play without me.  And it’s good for them too!

I’m also trying be more mindful of the time I spend with my boys.  I’m very much influenced by the Buddhist practice of mindfulness, and I think parenting is wonderful opportunity to practice mindfulness.  (If you want to read more about this, I highly recommend the book Buddhism for Mothers of Young Children by Sarah Napthali.  You don’t have to be Buddhist to get something out of her book.)

As time goes by, I am finding it much easier to let the rest of the world slide by, forget about all the things I want to do, and just soak up my children.  You are two-years-old, and you have the cutest smile.  You are five-years-old, and I love listening to you talk and explain your magical world to me.  I put off things that I have to do, and guess what?  It  gets done anyway.  

Simply put, it takes practice to be a mother, and I guess I’m getting better at it.

This is a topic that I could go on and on about, but I’d rather hear from you.  How do you ensure that you’ll spend quality time with your children when life pulls us along at such a high speed?

Posted in A Bit o' Me Philosophy, Homeschooling, Motherhood | 3 Comments »

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December 24, 2011

The Best Christmas Gifts For This Tired Mama

Lucky me: the five-year-old took over the big job of decorating the tree this year!

Note: This column appeared in the Barrow Journal on December 22, 2011.

Last week we trimmed the tree, or, actually, my five-year-old trimmed the tree.  I assembled it and put the lights on, and then he put on every single ornament by himself.  He got very irritated with me if I tried to put one on.  He wanted to do it all by himself.

I know what you’re thinking, and you are right.  It’s not the most organized tree, but it’s still quite pretty.  At least with the help of a stepladder the ornaments are not clustered at the bottom of the tree.

And this is when I realized something.  Things are starting to get a tad…a smidge…a little bit easier around here.  My boys are five and two-years-old.  They have fleeting moments of extreme independence.

Since their birthdays in August, I’ve noticed that sometimes they play happily without me.  They play pretty well with each other, but sometimes they take off in different directions.  I’m still shocked when my two-year-old will go upstairs by himself to play with the GeoTrax.  He is actually being good.  By himself!

This is the best Christmas present that this mama can get: pockets of free time.  I still have plenty to do, including the dishes, laundry, and write my column, but it’s wonderful to be able to write during the day when I’m not so tired instead of late at night.

Don’t get me wrong though.  These pockets of time last twenty minutes at most, and the boys still keep my hopping.  They fight, the two-year-old can be so fussy, and when I get time to myself, I’m frequently interrupted.

But I’m here to tell any parent with children younger than mine that it does happen!  It gets a little easier.  It took five long years, but it does happen.

It could also be that I’ve been more intentional about trying to relax.  I try not to spend every night at my computer, and I always end the day with a good book instead of staring at my to-do list.  Once a week I’m committing myself to movie night too.  This might not seem like much, but until a few weeks ago, I had not sat down to watch a movie for pleasure in years.

I found out that my husband has been doing his own thinking on how we could relax.  He surprised me by saying for Christmas he wanted to get us both a new pair of hiking boots.  Day hikes in the mountains were a frequent recreation of ours before we had kids, and now that the boys are a little older, he wants to start again and take the boys with us.

I jumped for joy.  Though I frequently take the boys out to parks, I sorely miss going hiking.  We’ll have to stick to easier trails for our young children, but it’ll be wonderful to make getting into nature with the family more of a habit.

So we got our boots, and today we did our first “hike” at Ft. Yargo.  (Aren’t we lucky that we live in Barrow County and have this treasure in our backyard?)  On our inaugural hike, I learned not to expect much.  The boys would rather throw rocks and clamshells into the water than actually move down the trail.  The two-year-old tires quickly, and they both need a good supply of snack food on hand.

But it didn’t damper my enthusiasm.  It’s just the beginning for this outdoorsy family.

I hope everyone reading this has a wonderful holiday.  No matter how you celebrate, I hope it’s a peaceful, happy time for you.  I hope there’s someone with you to snuggle up to on the cold evenings, and I hope you get some great gifts too.

Posted in Motherhood, My Newspaper Columns, Traditions / Rituals / Holidays | 3 Comments »

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December 12, 2011

Kids Say The Darndest Things

When I was a child, my parents had a copy of Art Linkletter’s book Kids Say the Darndest Things, and I loved reading it.  Now that I have my own children, I’m enjoying listening to all their jibber-jabber, “information” they impart to me, and my five-year-old’s endless questions, which I actually love.  I thought I would share something funny that happened in the car today while I was driving.

the five-year-old:  ”Mommy, how do more people get on the earth?”

me: “They keep having babies.”

the five-year-old:  ”Well, how does a baby get into your stomach?”

me: (Thinking, oh man,  here’s that question. Definitely don’t want to try to answer it in the car while I’m driving….) “You know, that’s a really good question, but it’s kind of complicated, so I’ll explain it another time, okay?”  (Whew. That should get me off the hook.)

the five-year-old:  ”Okay.” Pause. “You know, we should have Question Day!“

me: “Question Day?”  (We have cleaning days on Monday, so it’s logical.)

the five-year-old: “Yeah.  We could have Question Day on Tuesdays.  You could tell me how trees grow, and….” (he’s thinking)

me:  ”Wow.  That’s a good idea.  We could do that.”

I wanted to say, “But I’ll answer your questions anytime,” but then I realized that I had just postponed answering a question, so that wouldn’t work.  And I was impressed with his idea for a Question Day, so I didn’t want to put it down.  The real question is whether or not he’s going to ask me how babies get into my stomach on Tuesday!  Wish me luck!

 

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December 1, 2011

The Best-laid Plans of Parents with Small Children

Note: This column first appeared in the Barrow Journal on November 30, 2011.

As you know from my previous column, we were looking forward to our first Thanksgiving at home with just the four of us.  No traveling.  No need to power clean the house.  Just a quiet, relaxing day with a turkey dinner.  Unfortunately, my two-year-old woke up on the wrong side of the bed that morning. It’s typical at his age to have tantrums.  He wants to be more independent, and he can’t always communicate his needs, which leads to a lot of frustration.  It’s stressful being two.

However, there are some days when he’ll go from calm to tempest quicker and more frequently throughout the day.  Is it the terrible twos?  Teething? “Unmet needs” as the family therapist says in the parenting book that is sitting on my bedside table? If I knew what his unmet needs were, I would gladly take care of them!

I have no idea why he is like this sometimes. Unfortunately, he picked Thanksgiving to have an off day.  We all have off days, don’t we? Two-year-olds are not excluded from that.

He cried and pointed to objects that he wanted and then didn’t want after I handed them to him.  He slept well, I held him and played with him, yet he was unsettled all day.

Mid-morning I changed his diaper and he decided he didn’t want to wear another one.  Okay, I thought, we don’t have to go anywhere; we’ll start potty training on Thanksgiving.  Not what I had planned, but I’m game.  Fortunately, it didn’t take long for him to find out why diapers are helpful.  To clean him up, I put him in the bathtub, and his older brother stayed in the bathroom, and they played together with the water and toys for a long time.  That wasn’t so bad.

After the bath, he screamed about the clothes he had to wear.  Did I mention he’s refusing to wear a coat outside and has to pull his long sleeves up on his arms?  Oh yes, he’s spirited.  Someday that spirit will serve him well.  For now, it will cause more gray hairs on his mama’s head.

Right before dinner he was upset too, crying as I helped my husband put the finishing touches on our dinner table.  (A big thanks to my husband for cooking the Thanksgiving turkey.)  With a child clinging to my leg, I finished the mashed potatoes.

By the time I sat down at the dinner table I was sweating, my husband was irritable, but the two-year-old was finally happy eating his meal.  That’s all we were thankful for at that moment.

The day wasn’t all bad, though.  In the morning my boys and I put on some finger puppet shows, and during the two-year-old’s nap, my five-year-old and I played outside in the beautiful weather, and in the evening, we watched a movie.

Later that night I was reading Falling Through Space: The Journals of Ellen Gilchrist.  In one essay she wrote about spending 38 hours alone with her two grandchildren, ages 4 and 1.

She states, “I am here to report that taking care of small children is the single most exciting, complicated, difficult, creative and maddening job on all the green earth.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself, but I’m still grateful for my boys, bad days and all.

How do you deal with the unpredictability of children?

Posted in Life Stories, Motherhood, My Newspaper Columns, Traditions / Rituals / Holidays | 2 Comments »

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November 23, 2011

Creating New Family Traditions

 

There’s a time when old traditions need to die, a time for new traditions, and a time when old traditions can be reborn with new meaning.

In years past, I have always felt a little lonely during the holidays.  I wished I had a big, happy family that didn’t live so far apart, so we could all come together and eat a lot of food, play games, and exchange stories.

My husband and I are usually invited to a relative’s home each Thanksgiving, and we’ve always gone, but this year I did an uncomfortable thing and turned down the invitation.  It’s because I began to think about what kind of memories I want to create for my two boys.

Except for my dad and step-mom, we rarely see our Georgia relatives during the year, so for my boys, it would almost be like visiting a stranger’s house on the holiday.  What do I really want for them?  I want them to remember the holidays in their childhood home with their loved ones.

So this year we’re going to have a cozy Thanksgiving at home, and we’ll make a big meal (big to us, that is), and we’ll start the tradition of stating what we’re thankful for at the dinner table.

This time of year has got me thinking about family traditions in general too.  A few years ago, I had a conversation with my brother (who is also starting his family) about how we need to create our own family traditions, especially since so many of our traditions were blurred by divorce and moving from state to state.

Shortly after having that conversation, my brother and sister-in-law sent me some books about creating family traditions as a Christmas gift.  The Book of New Family Traditions by Meg Cox and Together Creating Family Traditions by Rondi Hillstrom Davis and Janell Sewall Oakes are beautiful books that have given me many good ideas.

Yet I’m aware that the best traditions spring forth spontaneously.  I have to be careful about stating, “Here is a new tradition we are going to start…” What if I’m the only one on board that boat?  Traditions need to be something the whole family enjoys.

We all have traditions whether we realize it or not.  Religions give us many of our traditions.  My family follows the Christian traditions of observing Christmas and Easter, and we’ll continue to do so.  Traditions can also be unique to each family.

In The New Book of Family Traditions, I read about a family that every month during the full moon, they go outside and roast marshmallows in the moonlight.  By coincidence, my family took a moonlit walk the other night.  We showed our son where Jupiter was and looked for constellations.  It was so much fun, I’m wondering if I could make that happen every month.  (Or almost every month?)

Traditions can be simple daily exercises.  Some people say grace before mealtimes; others enjoy a slow cup of coffee in the mornings (that’s me).  Come to think of it, I have already started the ritual of telling my five-year-old a story every night. Even if I feel uninspired and tell him a boring tale, he seems to love it, and I know that somehow this is imparting my love and beliefs to him.

And this is what traditions do at their best: They give a family or community a reason to come together and share their love and commonality with each other. This in turn gives an individual a sense of belonging.  I want my boys to feel that being part of this family is important. When life gets tough I want them to have a place to come to and feel loved.

This is why we’ll have Thanksgiving and Christmas at home from now on, and I’ll be looking for ways to expand our old traditions, making them more meaningful to us.  I’ll also be thinking about new traditions I can add throughout the year.

What are your traditions?  Old or new?  I would love to hear what your family does because it may give me ideas for my own.  Please leave me a comment.  And in the future, I’ll write about what kinds of traditions we have started or renewed.

Note: This column was first printed in the Barrow Journal on Wednesday, November 23, 2011.  You can also view it online here.

And I hope all my American friends have a happy, warm, loving Thanksgiving!

Posted in Life Stories, Motherhood, My Newspaper Columns, Traditions / Rituals / Holidays | 11 Comments »

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October 31, 2011

Happy Boo Day

 

This column was originally printed in the October 26, 2011 edition of the Barrow Journal.

Happy Halloween and Turning Forty

When you’re a child, having a birthday on Halloween is a pretty cool thing.  Besides cake and presents, you also get to dress up in a funny costume and go trick or treating.  You get invited to parties, and though they aren’t for you, everyone pays you special attention.

When you’re an adult with children, having a birthday on Halloween is a pretty cool thing, but only because it’s easily forgotten.

My five-year-old is so excited that Halloween is coming.  He decided several weeks ago that he wanted to be a ghost.  Since I’m not a crafty person, we went to several stores the other day looking for a costume.  Why are ghost costumes so hard to come by?  Sure, we could just throw a sheet over his head, but I wanted something more creative.

We finally found a ghost costume his size, but it has a scary mask with it.  He doesn’t want to wear the mask, but he’s happy with the rest of the costume.  I tried talking him into wearing make-up or at least a white hat, but he doesn’t want that either.  So, his costume may look a little incomplete, but he likes it, and that’s all that matters.

As for my two-year-old, I’m hoping he’ll be happy with the Peter Pan hand-me-down.  Since it’s a non-frills costume (which we needed when the eldest was this age), I’m hoping it’ll work well for him too.

We’ve done a little decorating.  “Little” is the key word.  As I said, I’m not a crafty person, and decorations tend to stay subdued at my house.  But we’re slowly adding on to them each year, and my son and I have made a bat and pumpkin out of construction paper.  We strung some pumpkin lights in our activity room and a few paper ghosts on the front porch.

I’m happy to report that the small pumpkins my son grew this summer and harvested in August are still firm enough to sit on the porch without attracting flies.  Unfortunately, his second crop of pumpkins is not going to be ready for the holiday.  The plants are flowering right now, and I doubt they’ll survive the winter, but you never know in this unpredictable Georgia weather.

We still have to visit a pumpkin patch, attend a Halloween carnival, and read more Halloween books.  But behind all this ghostly activity, I am aware that I will be reaching the summit and climbing “over the hill” on Halloween.

Once she reached the age of forty, my grandmother told everyone she was 39 for about 42 years…until the day she died.  My mother takes a different approach. Sometimes she’ll tell people she’s older than she really is because she wants them to think she looks great for her age.

At least for now, I don’t mind telling people I’m forty.  I think I’ve earned my age, and I’m looking forward to this next decade.

Perhaps some will argue with me (and I welcome that because I’m still learning on this journey), but I think by the time you are forty, finally you have a grasp of the myriad of emotions, possibilities and disappointments that life offers.  You have probably lived enough to see or be touched by most of them.

At forty I know I’m extremely lucky.  Though I have lived through heartache, disappointment, lonely times and humbling times, I have kept healthy, and I have not suffered severe tragedy.  But I’ve watched disease and tragedy touch the lives of loved ones, so I know how easily it could happen to me.  I try not to take my life for granted.

Not all my dreams have come true, and this still stings.  But I hold onto this tiny card I found in the packaging of my one of my son’s toys: “You know what? Not all dreams come true. But that’s okay because you can always make new dreams.” It’s attributed to “Katie, age 4.”

It doesn’t surprise me that such wisdom comes from a four-year-old.  I have gained more wisdom from rearing young children than I ever had in my previous, childless life.  And the best perk of homeschooling is that I get to explore the world and learn along with them.

They have taught me that happiness is truly in the small details.  It’s in the everyday routine and the little discoveries we make along the way.  I think this is why I love photography too.  It has given me a keen eye for small details, light and shadows.  Everyday objects come alive in the right light.

If there’s anything I hope to instill in my boys as they grow older it is not to forget those feelings of wonder.  I want them to hold onto their curiosity.  The world begins to get darker as we grow older, but that doesn’t mean those small joys are gone.

So I’ll be sneaking candy, lighting jack-o-lanterns, and following my boys’ lead on my birthday.  Hopefully there won’t be any trickery.  Just smiles, giggles and treats.

Happy Halloween to all of you!  May you receive lots of treats and no tricks this holiday.

Posted in Life Stories, Motherhood, My Newspaper Columns, Photography | 2 Comments »

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September 6, 2011

Homeschooling’s Biggest Challenge: No Break for Mama

The hardest part of homeschooling for me is not getting enough rest/breaks/”me time”/time alone/time to get my ducks in a row.  I love it.  Don’t get me wrong.  But we all need and deserve some down time.  After my second son was born two years ago (see photo above), the time I got to myself decreased dramatically.  As an introvert, I really need time alone to recharge, yet I have surprised myself at how I can thrive with such little time to myself.  I think this is because I love my job.  I love my boys, and I love being with them most of the time….but that still doesn’t take away the need to have a break sometimes.

I can get tired, cranky, and I can yell.  Sigh.  I’m not perfect.

I knew that I couldn’t be alone in this, so I put out a message on one of the homeschooling e-mail lists I belong to, and I asked other moms to share with me how they do it.  Do they get any free time?  Do they hire someone?  Do they suffer through it? Or maybe I am just a selfish mama?

Thankfully, there are others like me who need their “me time.”  And they allowed me to share their comments in the latest column I wrote for The Barrow Journal.  I hope you’ll click here to read it and then come back and tell me how YOU do it.

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August 30, 2011

Every Mother’s Experience Is Different

How do we know what is best for our children?

In my latest column for the Barrow Journal, I wanted to honor the fact that every mother’s experience is different, and as I write about my boys, my family, and how we do things, I know that other mothers might not have the choices available to them that we do, or maybe they don’t want to do what we do.  Parents all have to decide what is best for their kids and their family as a whole.  If kids have loving parents who are trying their best to do what they think is right, then they are lucky.  We don’t all have to do it the same way.

I hope I did a good job conveying this message in my column.  I hope you’ll click here to read it and then give me your perspective.  And if you’re a parent, tell me a little of what your experience has been.

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June 11, 2011

I do too much. I don’t do enough.

Photos:

Top left – My latest photography job.

Top right – Taken on an excursion to the beautiful University of Georgia campus.

Bottom left – My budding gardener (pun intended).

Bottom right – A typewriter similar to what Margaret Mitchell would have used while writing a weekly column at the Atlanta Journal.  Since I’m reading Gone with the Wind, and this year is the book’s 75th anniversary, I visited the Margaret Mitchell House in Atlanta for their celebration event.  And it was a topic of one of my weekly columns, but unfortunately, they did not post it online, so I can’t share it with you.

♦♦♦

Sometimes I get overwhelmed when I think about all the personal goals that I have for myself:

~ Create a loving home. A house full of laughter and love, though not often clean or organized. Love is abundant, and at least there’s more laughter than otherwise.  Healthy meals? Well, my standards have sunk on that one, but we try. A garden that gives us pleasure. Yes, we get pleasure from gardening, even if it’s got weeds too.  Our yard is a work in progress.  Just like the house.  Just like our lives.  

~ Homeschool my children.  Teach them their letters and numbers.  Teach them to read.  Teach them how to be happy, healthy citizens in this crazy world.  Find more people to hang out with.  Take them places.  Play at home.  Yes, just go play.

~ Continue to work on my newspaper column.  Contribute to my family’s livelihood. Write ahead of myself.  Think of more topics.  Slow down and chose my words carefully.

~ Promote a part-time photography business.  Contribute to my family’s livelihood.  Market. Focus. Market. Photograph more.  Oh, the endless projects I have in mind. Photograph for pleasure.  Photograph for money.  Photograph because I love the tiny details and the light.  Oh, the light.  I am in love with my husband, my children and Light.

Those are just the main goals.  There’s always other, little goals popping up too.  Finish reading Gone with the Wind. Wipe the yogurt off his fingers and then take the milk cup back to the refrigerator.  Bathroom, shoes, then go outside.  Check e-mail to see if play date is happening tomorrow.  Read that book about the history of photography.  Work on a blog post.  Learn more about flash sync.  Do the laundry.  Fold the laundry.  Mop the kitchen floor.  Write those interview questions.  Look for new pants at Target.  Work on the Wildlife Habitat Project with four-year-old.  WHAT are we getting Daddy for Father’s Day?!

If I think about it all at once, I start to lose my cool.  Sometimes I do lose my cool.  Sometimes I get cranky with the kids.  Other times I ignore all the goals and live in the moment, and that’s what I try to do.  I think I’m pretty good at it.  Well, maybe not.  It depends on the day.

All I can do is work on one step at a time.  I may not have an organized house, but I have an organized “to do” list.  I use the desktop application “To Do Queue.” It allows me to keep a separate list for all my crazy goals.  And I just do what I can, when I can. Obviously, some things have more priority, like daily life and my newspaper column.  Those things just gotta get done.  Then I work on other stuff.  I have finally let the outcome go.  I don’t know if I can achieve all my goals, but if there’s one thing my children have taught me it’s that none of that is important.

What’s important is just learning A and then B and then C.  Keep learning.  Keep doing.  Keep going.  In that, I am happy.

Posted in Life Stories, Motherhood | 1 Comment »

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May 15, 2011

What I Have Learned From my Polish In-Laws

My 4-year-old calls my in-laws (above) by the Polish names for grandmother and grandfather, Babcia and Dzia Dzia.  That’s pronounced like BOP-CHA and JA JA.

This is a column I wrote for the Barrow Journal.  My in-laws are incredibly hard-working people who want to help their children in every way.  This is something I want to do for my children, and ideally, I think every generation should help each other more than I usually see in this culture we live in.

Click here to read the column.

Posted in Life Stories, Motherhood, My Newspaper Columns | 1 Comment »

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April 27, 2011

The Joys of Parenthood

This is a column that I wrote for The Barrow Journal.  It’s my favorite kind of column to write — one in which I can simply write a few details from my boy’s lives.  In this one I list some of the reasons why the daily grind of parenthood is worth it.  That is, I reflect on the tiny moments during the day when my boys amaze and delight me.

Click here to read the column.

I hope you’ll read it and then tell me what some of your favorite moments have been with your children.

Posted in Life Stories, Motherhood, My Newspaper Columns | Leave a Comment »

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